by Bradford Stucki, BridgeHope Family Therapy | September 2024
Self-forgiveness is an expression of self-love. Learn to forgive yourself and stop beating yourself up over past misdeeds.
When you violate a personal value or hurt others, the overarching feeling is a combination of shame and guilt. Guilt can be healthy, but shame has no good thing going for it.
These feelings—shame and guilt—can be so strong that it can be difficult to remember that you’re only human, not Superman from Krypton. And when you lose sight of your imperfections, it becomes virtually impossible to attain self-forgiveness.
Self-forgiveness protects us from sinking under the weight of our mistakes. We all have this ability, though we need to be reminded to use it every now and then.
If you haven’t quite figured out how to forgive yourself consistently, read this post closely. It’ll help you learn how to trigger the process.
In this piece, I outline:
The four stages of forgiveness
Also known as the ‘4 R’s of self-forgiveness’, these stages aptly describe what happens as we evolve beyond mistakes.
There’s nothing linear about this process. Self-forgiveness is as likely to be initiated by the third R as it is by the first R. This is only a way to identify everything that plays out in a self-forgiveness story.
The four R’s include:
Responsibility
This covers being accountable for the actions for which you feel guilty. Whether you’ve caused harm to another or broken a personal value, it is crucial that you take responsibility for what you’ve done.
Remorse
Accepting responsibility for your actions will stir up guilt and sometimes shame.
In the remorse stage, you use that guilt as a positive trigger to make amends.
Restoration
While remorse is a willingness to make amends, restoration is actually doing it.
Restoration involves apologizing (if possible) and taking specific steps to act better.
Renewal
Accept that you made a mistake and have taken good steps to make amends.
Trust that experience to guide you on a better path as you move forward.
How to self-forgive
We’ve identified the general process of self-forgiveness, but let’s get more specific.
As you read the steps outlined, you’ll see that they are clearly connected to one or two of the aforementioned stages of self-forgiveness. Start with the easiest step for you, whether it’s the first or the last.
As long as your mind is willing to heal, acting on one of the steps will provide enough motivation and reason for taking the next.
Here’s how to forgive yourself:
Say that you’ve made a mistake
The easiest way to accept responsibility is to admit your mistake. Whether by journaling or oral confession, express the fact that you’ve made a mistake out loud.
Internal conversations with yourself are insufficient. Saying it out loud or writing it on paper acknowledges that the action you regret is real.
Identify with the consequences of your behavior
List specific impacts of your actions on others. Avoid over- or under-blaming yourself. Accept what you’re truly responsible for — no more, no less.
Differentiate between what you did and who you are
Essentially, I’m asking you to separate guilt from shame. Your mistakes don’t define you and it’s important to really know this.
Understanding this difference is vital because it reinforces the belief that you are capable and deserving of forgiveness.
Express remorse
Admit that you regret what’s happened. Genuinely apologize to yourself and the person you’ve hurt. Don’t make any excuses when you apologize, and use the words ‘I am sorry.’
Also important:
Indicate the exact thing you’re apologizing for. This is how you show true accountability.
Try to fix things
Do your best to make amends. This could mean fixing the underlying issues surrounding your mistake. For example, if you are disappointed with yourself because you let laziness prevent you from progressing professionally, start initiating changes meant to encourage hard work.
It could also mean rebuilding the walls you’ve torn down. For example, if you haven’t been supportive enough to someone close to you, show up the next time it matters.
Move on
You can create a ritual to do this. Maybe write a letter to yourself where you describe the factors that led to your mistake, the mistake itself, the hurt and guilt you dealt with, and the lessons learned from it.
Don’t let your mistakes define you
Rehashing old mistakes, replaying bad decisions in your head, and wishing you did something different is exhausting and unproductive.
The only positive, proactive step after a mistake is to initiate the process of self-forgiveness. Life is so much more enjoyable when we learn to let go of guilt, shame, and all the negative emotions they carry.
To prevent your mistakes from eating you up, do these things:
- Stop the negative self-talk by challenging your inner critic with facts. Ask yourself, are the bad things I am telling myself true? Do I not have the capacity to do better? You’ll find that answering those questions truthfully will reveal that you are more than your mistakes.
- Remember the positives. Overshadowing the best things about a person is a defining attribute of guilt and shame. Don’t let that happen.
Despite the mistakes, remind yourself of the things you do right. - Develop a growth mindset. View mistakes as opportunities for growth, not permanent failings.
- Accept your imperfections. The same way you love people without giving too much thought to what might make them unlikable is how you should love yourself.
Get help to forgive yourself
If you need help completing all these steps, consider speaking to a professional or someone trustworthy. A therapist can help you effectively complete all the stages and teach you more steps.
Remember, forgiving yourself is one of the greatest expressions of love, so love yourself. You’re all you’ve got.
About the Author
Dr. Bradford Stucki is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who works with adults in Utah, Viorginia, and Texas who have experienced trauma in their childhoods or trauma as an adult. Dr. Stucki also has expertise in treating anxiety, and relationship problems. Dr. Stucki has specialised training in working with PTSD as well as couples issues. His private practice, BridgeHope Family Therapy is in Utah.