by Dr Heidi Ch’ng
What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I do this anymore? Am I getting sick? A woman transitioning through perimenopause can often have these thoughts run through her mind, as her body feels like it’s somehow not working as it should be or as it used to. The harsh truth is that it’s not! As we arrive in perimenopause, our body and mind, as we once experienced them, are no longer the same. Perimenopause is the phase when a woman’s fertility starts to wane, and her body and mind are going through a process of significant recalibration to accommodate this life-changing gear shift. So, of course, we don’t feel ourselves. Change, at any time, is frightening and destabilizing so when this starts to happen within our body and mind, it can make our world feel like it’s being turned upside down. Who am I becoming now if I can no longer do the things or roles that I once did? Or who am I becoming if I no longer WANT to do the things that I’ve done for the last 10, 15 or 20 years?
As a working mother of two teenagers who is currently experiencing the transition of perimenopause, I know first-hand this sense of becoming and redefining priorities, roles and life focus. We often think of a developmental phase typically occurring in childhood as we watch our little ones grow from infancy to toddlerhood to primary school age, and then of course, the biggest one that I’m sure we all remember quite vividly, entering adolescence. Becoming a teenager is a time when we are trying to work out who we are, separate from our parents, and searching for where we fit in or belong in the world. It can be a very precarious, confusing and insecure time for many of us. Importantly, the hormone changes that occur in puberty are actually very similar to the hormone fluctuations that we experience during the perimenopause phase. But what I find even more interesting is that it is not just this physiological transition that is similar to adolescence, but the similar significant evolutionary process of who we are, separate from our family or partner, that confronts us during perimenopause. I use the word “confronts” because like any significant hormonal change, such as when we experience Premenstrual Stress (PMS), it can certainly feel very raw, tender, discombobulating and exposing! It’s made even more confronting when we exist in a culture where the female body and feminine experiences can still often be objectified, pathologized and ridiculed, typically by off-the-cuff comments like “oh she’s just perimenopausal” or “she must be on her period” or “what’s gotten into her?” etc. We are still fighting hard for flexible working arrangements so that women and mothers can properly attend to their bodily needs without feeling shame or inferiority just because they reside in a female cyclical body. It is confronting when we find ourselves not being able to “cut it” in the real world, or to be as productive or energized like we were in our 20s or 30s. How do we retain our self-worth when we live in a culture that values and priorities “doing”, external productivity and outward focus? A woman in perimenopause often needs more stillness, inner reflection, rest, rest and more rest. It is particularly confronting when our body needs to rest and how do we do this in a world that has possibly forgotten how to rest?
The answers are not easy or straightforward, and will be different for every woman in terms of how she wants to navigate her perimenopause transition. However, I believe that it may be helpful for us to reframe or hold an understanding for ourselves that we are going through a key developmental stage – a significant transition where our sense of self is up for question (again, just like it was in adolescence!), and to recognize, acknowledge and honour, not just the hormonal changes, but also the emotional and psychological evolution that is unfolding within us during perimenopause.
About Author
Dr Heidi Ch’ng is a Psychologist, Creative Arts Therapist & Menstruality Mentor who works in private practice in Dee Why and Glebe. She is passionate about supporting women, on an emotional and psychological level, through the transition of perimenopause, the menstrual cycle and life in general. www.creativepsychology.net