So often when we are bumping up against frustrating behaviour from our children, we forget that one very effective way to work through the challenge is to include our children in the process!
Step 1: Identify the Issue
The best way to approach this is to first identify the challenge. Perhaps your child is having a hard time getting ready in the morning. Or maybe you are experiencing bedtime struggles. It might be as seemingly small as cooperation with brushing teeth. Or the issue may revolve around food: packing foods your child will eat, being willing to engage during dinner time, or eating a hearty breakfast before heading to school.
Whatever the problem, first identify it in one simple sentence. Focus exactly on the challenge or conflict, so it’s easy to state clearly.
Step 2: Ask For Time to Talk
Once you have identified the problem, set aside time to talk. Choose a time when everyone is in a mellow mood, when you’re unlikely to be distracted and are generally feeling calm and rested.
Choose a place that is comfortable, private and encourages connection.
When you’re ready, meet your child at eye level. Check in with your child, asking something like: “Is now a good time for us to talk?” Or “I’d like to brainstorm with you. Is now a good time?”
Once they are engaged, state the problem as simply and clearly as possible. It is especially important to avoid guilt, blame, shame, and exaggerations. One way to frame the conversation is to start with something like: “I have a situation that I want your help with.”
For example, if your child has been struggling with leaving the house on time in the mornings, your statement might be: “I’ve noticed that our mornings have felt stressful and rushed.”
You can then share the impact or how you feel: “As a result of rushing, I feel anxious and then start to get impatient and a little grumpy.” The next step is to name the outcome you want: “I’m hoping we can figure out a new routine for our mornings, so we can leave the house on time.”
Step 3: Listen to Your Child’s Perspective
After stating your take on things, it’s important to allow your child the space to share how they feel and what they want. All too often, we push our agendas, our perspectives, and our needs onto our children without opening space and listening to what might be going on for them.
By sharing your perspective without accusation or insistence, then asking for their feedback and needs, you are demonstrating that you are committed to a collaborative approach. After your child has shared what is happening for them and what they need, you can explore if brainstorming possible solutions could help.
Step 4: Brainstorm Together
If brainstorming seems helpful, get a piece of paper and create a list of ideas or solutions. If your child is younger, you can do the recording. Avoid criticising or rejecting any ideas during the brainstorming process. Let your imaginations run free. If possible, try to model some “out of the box” thinking and make the process as fun as possible. It’s okay to get a little silly: “Sure! We could invent a robot that puts on your coat and gloves for you!” Offer encouragement freely: “That’s a great idea. I never thought of that.” Or “Oh, that gives me another idea!”
It’s important to not go into this process with a hidden agenda. Children are attuned to when we just want things to go our way. In the process of being open to ideas, you’ll likely find some unexpected solutions. Whenever possible, it’s also helpful to generate ideas in which both parties can win.
Step 5: Cross Items off the List
Once you’ve generated a list of possible solutions, go through the list together. Give your child the opportunity to cross out any ideas that won’t work for them, and you can do the same. In this process, you can both talk about why particular ideas will or won’t work from your particular perspectives. After crossing out ideas, you’ll be left with some options. Together you can pick one of the suggestions, or a combination of ideas, as a solution to try.
Step 6: Test it Out
Emphasise that you can both agree to try the idea and then come back together in about a week to see if it is still working. You can write the agreement on a fresh sheet of paper and, if appropriate, both sign the paper to show a commitment to trying this new idea. Be sure to also thank your child for their cooperation! Be sure to also follow through with checking in with each other after trying out the solution for a week. If it isn’t working, review the list together and see if there is another idea worth trying.
Creating an agreement ahead of time models respect. The result? Our children feel more willing to cooperate because the process has been collaborative.
This article was provided by Forestville Montessori School, a non-denominational school with programs from birth to primary school (year 6).
If you’re curious to learn more about the Montessori approach to parenting and education, book a school tour today.