by Michelle Dixon
Many of us did not have childhoods full of rainbows and butterflies, or even if we did, there is still some sharp hurt, something unspoken that pulls at the heartstrings. Of course, that doesn’t mean we aren’t kind and nurturing parents, giving our children the best life we can!
Still, the day to day reality of parenting can open up something deep inside, something unresolved, perhaps. Shadows of the past.
What is happening and what can we do?
The truth is, our parents and grandparents and great-grandparents live inside us and our children. Their influence deeply informs how we parent and the experience our children have of us as parents. Obviously this is true in terms of the patterns we learn from observing and relating within our families across generations. This is also true at a purely biological level, a truth we have recently learned from studies in epigenetics, which I will explain below.
Here are some powerful lessons I’ve learned from working with intergenerational patterns.
Unresolved trauma creates lasting changes to the body at the level of DNA and the nervous system, and these changes can be passed on to the next generation.
Epigenetics refers to how genes mutate in response to environmental influences. Genes then affect how the body operates from one generation to the next. Rachel Yehuda carried out the most famous study on this, analysing the genetic inheritance of Holocaust survivors. Her research found that cortisol levels are disrupted several generations down the line. Other studies have shown different kinds of physiological changes, such as scent.[1] There is even such a thing as a ‘transgenerational fear cycle,’ since some studies have shown that fearful memories can be passed down via the genes.[2] Bert Hellinger, the founder of family constellation therapy, has long insisted that intergenerational trauma affects the family line up to seven generations, even when the trauma or toxic family behaviour was a secret, or when for other reasons, the affected person has no conscious knowledge of her ancestor’s struggles.
It’s not just genetic. We are also affected by our parents’ and grandparents’ experiences through our relationships with them.
We learn from what we see and experience. You have probably heard the saying, “hurt people hurt people.” A parent who is stressed and anxious and lashes out will create stress and anxiety in the child. A parent who has shame from a childhood in poverty, for example, can pass that shame onto their children even if they are now middle class, and then those children can experience shame and communicate that to their children. Then, of course, intergenerational patterns of poverty, narcissism, substance abuse, and physical abuse can repeat themselves.
But please don’t feel stressed by my words – this is what healing is all about, and you CAN stop those patterns from repeating, with awareness (keep reading)!
Sometimes the patterns are really obvious from the beginning, and we parent with the voice in our head “I’m going to do things differently than how it was when I was growing up!”
But sometimes, Intergenerational patterns only begin to reveal themselves as we or our children reach specific ages. It’s as if certain ages open portals to the past.
Sometimes our own child reaching a certain age can bring up unprocessed pain or stress from when we were that age. I can’t tell you how often I hear something like, “I was fine until my daughter was 5. Then everything changed. It brought up all the memories I had of that time in my own childhood!”
Yet, it may not be a personal memory that reveals itself, but rather a family memory – and this is where things can become surreal.
One of my mentors recalls how she worked with a boy who developed severe asthma overnight at age six. Nothing helped. Family research revealed that a great uncle had died in the gas chambers at that age at Auschwitz. After working with the intergenerational patterns and how they expressed in his body, the boy never had an asthma attack again.
I have many similar stories from my own work. A common thread is unexplained emotional or physiological symptoms which cleared (using various modalities) once the generational picture became clear.
How we parent and the inner healing we do as we parent can end intergenerational patterns. This is how parenting can change the world!
The marriage and family scholar Carlfred Broderick coined the term ‘transitional character’ to describe an individual who breaks negative patterns in family systems and in a single generation creates a positive change for future generations.
Truly, when you heal yourself, you heal your child and that changes the entire generational inheritance from then on out.
Healing starts with just a few simple questions we can ask ourselves.
How is my nervous system regulation? Am I often in fight or flight or suffer from anxiety – and is this a family pattern? What are some family patterns I can map out in terms of: how love, support, and expectations have been expressed? Are there family patterns of addiction/abuse/neglect/poverty/refugee/genocide/narcissistic behaviour? And – how might those patterns be affecting me and how I parent? How do I want to parent? What kind of role model do I hope to be for my child? What did my parents get wrong, and how can I get it right? How can I heal my own pain/resentment/lack so that I don’t unintentionally pass it on to my kids?
Get support from a trusted therapist or practitioner if you need help with this, but however you do it, I recommend a practice of journaling to get your thoughts and observations out of your body-mind and onto paper!
Finally, go easy on yourself.
Families are incredibly complex and challenging, without exception. One of my favourite quotations is from Ram Dass who said, “if you think you’re enlightened, just go spend a week with your family.”
There is no such thing as a normal family, and there is always room for healing. I also like to remind parents how the famous originator of attachment theory, Donald Winnicott, urged us to be ‘good enough’ parents. Not perfect. Not ideal. Just good enough, 30% of the time. Kids need some imperfections at home because that is people become resilient, by finding our way through challenges and discomfort, not by being served a form of perfection that the world will never mirror back.
My own experience as a mum, stepmum and therapist has taught me that we must navigate parenting with ultimate compassion for ourselves and for our ancestors, starting with our own parents and grandparents. Previous generations did the best they could given what they knew and were capable of and given their own life circumstances and inheritance. What’s more, we each have the amazing opportunity to become conscious of our wounding, and heal our children and our children’s children by healing ourselves.
Author Bio
Michelle Dixon, Ph.D. is a Northern Beaches mum of three young adults and an integrative and holistic therapist. She often writes about emotional well being and parenting, and used to be a regular contributor to MindBodyGreen online. She’s also a cat mum to two felines and stepmother to three teens.
[1] https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20190326-what-is-epigenetics
[2]https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/fearful-memories-passed-down/