Trigger Warning: This article contains descriptions of domestic violence and abuse.
Northern Beaches woman shares harrowing escape from domestic violence.
Eloise, one of local charity, Women & Children First’s brave clients, offered to share her story to help others like her seek help. She courageously recounted her experience of domestic abuse and her journey to safety, hoping to inspire and support those in similar situations. For privacy and safety reasons, specific details have been changed.
Three years ago, Eloise and her children fled their home, leaving behind a life that seemed perfect from the outside but was a living nightmare within. “We were living in a nightmare, an absolute nightmare,” Eloise recalls. “This time of year reminds us how scared we actually were, and then how safe we felt when we finally got to the refuge. My children told me they feel safe and happy when they think about the refuge.”
Eloise’s story is not uncommon. It took her years to come to terms with the fact that she was in an abusive relationship. Daily abuse had become her norm. Her ex and the father of her children criticised everything she did, how she looked and the clothes she wore. He isolated her from loved ones and completely eroded her self-confidence, making her question even her right to basic kindness and respect, and most of all – safety.
The turning point came during the pandemic when Eloise’s sister passed away. Due to COVID restrictions, she had to travel interstate for the funeral on her own, leaving her husband and kids behind. On this trip away, she received kindness and support from her family, a stark contrast to the neglect she was experiencing at home. “My dad would offer to do small things for me, like make me a meal or speak to me nicely. It felt so foreign to me,” Eloise remembers. This experience planted the first seeds of doubt about her marriage.
Upon returning home, Eloise faced quarantine. The daily check-ins from a psychologist became a lifeline. “One day I joked that I didn’t want to go home. The psychologist asked why, and I was honest. I said it was my husband – he shouts at me, makes me feel like I can’t do anything right, I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells,” Eloise recounts. She told the psychologist he wouldn’t even let her say goodnight to the kids over the phone during quarantine. This confession was a revelation that her situation was not normal, and certainly not acceptable.
Once back home, the reality hit hard. Her husband’s indifference to her return, coupled with escalating aggression, marked a new phase of their deteriorating relationship. “He started making my life as difficult as possible… He would bank on the wall and sometimes he threw things so hard he would make holes in the wall,” Eloise describes.
When Eloise confided in a new acquaintance who was a social worker, she was given the contact details for Women & Children First (WACF). “I was so embarrassed. I didn’t know why I was phoning. But the Intake and Assessment Manager assured me that my husband’s behaviour was text-book domestic abuse,” Eloise explains. Despite his abusive behaviour at home, Eloise’s husband maintained a charming facade outside.
“Outside of the house he was lovely. He was nice and laughing and joking with everyone,” she says. The caseworker validated Eloise’s experience. “She basically just explained to me the cycle of abuse that I was in. But I said he hasn’t hit me, and she said he doesn’t need to. He’s controlling you. He’s isolated you from family and friends, neighbours. He’s broken your confidence and has you questioning your own decisions.” Despite her initial hesitations, Eloise began to take the brave steps of planning her escape.
The days leading up to Eloise’s escape were harrowing. “It’s like he knew, like he had a 6th sense about my phone call seeking support. He was screaming in my face, banging doors. He even signalled to my eldest child that he was going to slit my throat… The kids were really scared and I was a nervous wreck,” she says. Her husband’s aggression escalated, culminating in threats of self-harm and physical intimidation. “That night I thought he was going to kill me,” Eloise confesses. Seizing a moment when he was out, she grabbed her children and left.
Arriving at the refuge was a transformative experience. “We walked through that door, and it felt like suddenly we could smile. The kids were so excited… It felt so good to feel safe,” Eloise recalls. The refuge provided a sanctuary where she could start to rebuild her life and gain strength. “The therapy has been huge. They’re teaching me and the kids how to cope and learn how to regulate ourselves,” Eloise shares.
Eloise and her children spent three months in the refuge and are now in transitional housing. The emotional and financial toll of the abuse remains significant. “He spent so much of my money without me knowing. Ran up credit cards etc. I was stuck with all of the bills because my name was on everything,” Eloise says. Her children’s trauma is a constant challenge. “They felt immense loss. Especially loss of home. To this day they still ask me – mummy why did we have to leave our home?”
Eloise’s story is one example of how coercive control can impact a family. Unfortunately, she is not alone.
Despite only being funded to provide services to 208 women annually, WACF provided crucial support to 836 women like Eloise last financial year – a nearly 60% increase in demand from the year prior. As the need for our services continues to grow, we are reaching out to our community for donations so that we can maintain the high-quality support our clients depend on and deserve.
Making a tax-deductible donation at https://tax.wacf.org.au/ is the most impactful way to help. Additionally, we appreciate donations of vouchers, pantry staples, and toiletries. To arrange the drop-off of tangible donations, please contact [email protected].
Importantly, Eloise also shared a message to others in similar situations who may be hesitant about reaching our for help: “You don’t need to know anything about DV or how the system works. You just need to ask for help. Because I really didn’t know it was abuse. I just wanted to talk it through with somebody who understood what women go through.”
If this story has raised concerns in any way, or perhaps made you worried about your own relationship, please know that you are not alone. Contact WACF for support at 9971 4499 or [email protected].
In case of danger or emergency, call 000.
For immediate support, the NSW Domestic Violence Line is available 24/7 at 1800 65 64 63, and 1800 RESPECT can be reached at 1800 737 732. Additional resources include the Rape Crisis Centre/Sexual Assault Line at 1800 424 017 and Women’s Legal Services NSW at 1800 810 784.